7:41am: I’ve really enjoyed reading the other Big Table Press entries this year. When I signed up I had no idea what I would be up to on November 3rd, 2025. My intention with documenting this day in my life is to be unfiltered. As a chronically ill person, I don’t live a conventionally paced work week. My social outings are planned to avoid crashing out from post-exertional malaise. I am listening to the Kpop demon hunters soundtrack while sipping milky black tea. I am typing this on my laptop in bed. I often work from bed to manage not only my energy but also my chronic pain. I woke up with gnarly lower back pain from dancing with my toddler nephew yesterday at a Halloween brunch. Once I am a bit more awake, I will walk my pug Penny.
9:34am: Just got back from a walk in the graveyard with Penny and my Mum. I took my power chair and we saw a coyote running alongside one of the hedges that lines the South edge of the graveyard. It appeared to be limping but disappeared into the hedge after a shouldercheck. We have both seen coyotes in the graveyard before but usually not during the day. My Mum is worried about its injury but since coyotes are considered pests in “vancouver”, animal rescues are unlikely to provide care. Since it is a few days post Halloween, I enjoyed looking at the offerings left on graves and along the interred walls. Lots of flowers, incense, fruit and my personal favourite was a pair of rocks with googly eyes. There was also a surprising amount of candles still burning in red glass lanterns. On the way out of the graveyard I spotted some wonderful toadstools growing through the chainlink fence.
Though I don’t get out much, I keep in touch digitally with friends and find joy in a private local queer and trans chronic illness group chat on signal. It is a space to rant, ask advice, share & support each other. I was invited by a friend of a friend to join this past Spring when I was in a terrible crash and it has been a lifeline ever since. From this groupchat, I attended a backyard T4T wedding and got gifted a walker that a member no longer needed. I check this group chat in the morning, late afternoon and evening. My friend has also just texted me to fill me in on their date last night at QE Park (a favourite spot of mine).
11:08am: I’ve written a lot of my best songs in November historically. So I felt inclined this morning to pick up my guitar and play them until my fingers couldn’t hold down the strings anymore. One of the songs I wrote years ago when I knew getting into a long distance open relationship was going to be messy. Reworking that song today, the meaning it holds for me has changed as it is more about how unsustainable “vancouver” has become for artists or anyone for that matter to live in. Now when I sing that song, I mourn all of the friends that have moved back East or to other countries. I miss them dearly and singing that song gives my heartache a direction to express itself.
“Don’t worry about your heart breaking Shy. It’ll break open so you can feel everything”- Val “By Hook or By Crook”, 2001.
I just finished watching “By Hook or By Crook” (2001) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0oj64TNXZc&list=PPSV on youtube. It’s an independent fictional film about two trans masc young men who form a friendship. This movie has been on my watchlist forever but it is hard to come across so I was overjoyed when I found it uploaded on youtube. It’s co-directed by Harry Dodge and Silas Howard (the two lead trans characters). It has a cameo by Joan Jett which is wild considering the film was crowdfunded and most of their shoot locations were in their own homes. It’s a special interest of mine to watch anything I can find with trans representation, cast or crew. I also recommend Enigma (2025), I’m your Venus (2024), Any Other Way: The Jackie Shane Story (2024), Boyhood (2011) and Southern Comfort (2001).
1:06PM My parents come back from running errands. My Dad had a phone call with his doctor and found out he has diabetes. He fainted over labour day weekend and just got the results back for his full panel bloodwork ordered by the family doctor. Our family is in shock. This will be a big lifestyle overhaul for him. Both his Mom and brother had type 2. We don’t know what type he has yet. He is being referred to a Diabetes clinic.
3:21PM I needed to self regulate after my Dad’s medical news so I put on my comfort show of The Traitors and I coloured in my Witchcraft colouring book for the last couple hours. I feel a little less numb now so the worry can seep through the cracks in my brain. I ate a cup of noodles which helps me reach my daily sodium intake for POTS and I remembered to brush my teeth. I wanted to go to the analog photo booths at Slice of Life this afternoon but today doesn’t feel like the day to drive across town so I will likely continue to watch The Traitors and cuddle Penny.
7:12PM I watched more Traitors, colored some more and picked at my dinner. Then I smoked a j while staring at the almost full moon and now I lay in bed post oatmeal bath feeling cbd sleepy and subdued. I am listening to an R&B Playlist I made with Jay and Julz
With my eyes closed, laying on my back, this has been a day in my life. Thank you for reading along <3!
Rae Phoenix Grant Duff is a disabled antidisciplinary artist (trans writer, filmmaker and musician) based on the shared, unceded, ancestral territories of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm (Musqueam), Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish), and səlilwətaɬ (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations. Rae is a founding member of Shapeshifter Media Collective (est. 2022). Rae’s work has been featured at FORM festival (2024), STAND festival (2024), Vancouver Queer Arts Festival (2024) and Vancouver Queer Film Festival (2022). Rae has been in residency with Lobe (2023), xinema (2023), Carousel Theatre (2024) and Blackout (2024). Beyond their arts practice, Rae can be found writing poetry, watching gay films, giving gender affirming haircuts and simping for small elderly dogs @raedicalphoenix @shapeshiftermediacollective
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